By Michael Gordon, email: firstname.lastname@example.org
Osama bin Ladin announced today in Afghanistan his endorsement of John F. Kerry for President of the United States. Osama bin Ladin has been watching the upcoming U.S. presidential election closely since the victor will decide his fate. “I miss the days of the infidel Bill Clinton, who, thanks to Allah, allowed me to escape the Sudan and flee to Afghanistan. If it were not for Bill Clinton, I would not be alive today.”
Osama bin Ladin previously endorsed Howard Dean in the Democratic primary. “I am saddened that Mr. Dean did not win the Democratic primary,” the terrorist leader said. But all is not lost for bin Ladin since John Kerry is actually pro-terrorist, too. “I was happy to see that he called my fellow terrorist Yasser Arafat a “role model” and “statesman” in his book, ‘The New War,’ which was written only 7 years ago.”
But bin Ladin did not merely read his words and come to the conclusion that Mr. Kerry is pro-terrorist. Instead, he looked at Mr. Kerry’s long voting record in the U.S. Senate. “John Kerry has repeatedly voted to exempt terrorists such as myself from the death penalty. I thank Allah for the Senator, for his service to my cause, and I do hope he becomes president,” bin Ladin said.
John Kerry also pleased the pro-Osama bin Ladin Caucus (also sometimes known as the Democratic Party’s “Progressive Caucus”) by voting against modernizing defense department weaponry (including the Patriot missile, B-2 stealth bomber, and Apache helicopters). “While Howard Dean made me a bit nervous by providing tacit approval to the American military, I have full confidence, thanks to John Kerry’s official voting record in the U.S. Senate, that he does not care about the security and safety of the American people, and that is good news for me,” bin Ladin later said, gleefully. He added: “I, of course, know that John Kerry did not do this only for my benefit, but mainly because, thanks to Allah, my supporters, who vote and live in Berkeley, Seattle, Upper-East Side Manhattan, and Beverly Hills refuse to support any presidential candidate who would defend his own nation.”
Just as American voters don’t choose their presidential candidate merely based on foreign policy, neither does Mr. bin Ladin. John Kerry’s tax-the-rich policy has excited the bin Ladin faithful. Although bin Ladin is not a socialist, he favors high taxes on high income earners, corporations and investors as the best method of contracting the United States economy, slowing growth, which would indirectly harm the military by making high appropriations more expensive and difficult.
These conditions would strengthen bin Ladin’s evil plans for the long run regardless of who won the White House in 2008. Once a hypothetical (and hopefully only hypothetical) President Kerry adopts certain peacenik military policies, it would have the unintended consequence of encouraging patriotic servicemen to give up their service when their tour of duty ends since, in their view, the commander in chief has abandoned his compact with the American people. As a result, many qualified, career-oriented servicemen will quit, thus weakening the entire military. Since these men and women take a long time to train, it will make it difficult, if not impossible, to modernize and make efficient the military once a new president replaces the hypothetical Mr. Kerry.
When asked to demonstrate how he intends to successfully oust a president who is tough on terrorism in favor of one who states that France’s approval is required first, bin Ladin stated: “It’s been done before—witness the results in Spain.” The terrorist leader was making reference to the massive terrorist attack in Spain that killed 200 people and led to the unseating of Spain’s Prime Minister, Jose Aznar, who took a tough stance against terrorists. The people in Spain effectively said: “Okay, bin Ladin, I’ll vote for you, but you must leave me alone.” To which he responds: “My belief,” says bin Ladin, “is that although the American people may hate me, I can still manipulate them to pull the lever in the ballot box for me.” Hopefully that will never come to pass.